Convocation finally here.

Green colored saree kurung hanging in the corner of the room. I let it there till the morning of the convocation day. I have waited this day for a long time. But I didn’t want to be excited likes the photoshoot day. This time, I just wanted to take my scroll and we’re done. I didn’t expect any priceless moment. What I imagined is I take the scroll, give back the jubbah and back home. Coz I knew only my mother and brother will attend my convocation day. KIV my boyfriend. He didn’t sure if he can make it. So, I just want things to be done.

This time, this day I didn’t want to be eager about how I will make up and if my outfit glam enough. Lol. I just pray that my clothes fit me well. I filled my stomach with a glass of home soy with the hope that I will be full all day long. I refused to eat anything. I just grab a pack of choki choki kot kot kebuluq takde sugar kang pengsan lewlss…

I opened up my contact lens bottles. I played the video on how to insert lens for the beginners. Kemain. I am so worried if any parasites lives in my eyes, or my contact lens lost behind my eyeballs or my contact lens blind me. Overthinking as always. For beginner likes me, inserting the lens was not the problem. The problems are I didn’t know lens tu terbalik ke tak. I’ve checked so many times but I couldn’t differentiated the curves. Insert banyak kali tapi rasa nak terkeluar je. Bila kelip kelip dia naik balik tapi stop kelip mata nanti dia turun balik. Hahahaha. Noobs. Lastly redha je lah pakai sebab memang beli untuk pakai during convo. Terus muka macam vampire. Ni kalau Robert pattison dengan taylor lautner Nampak mata aku terus diorang berebut nak masuk meminang. Lol. Tak pandang Kristen stewart dah. Dah Berjaya insert lens tu, terus start makeup. Aku make up 20 minit je. Yang lama nya pakai lens. Lepas 4-5 kali percubaan baru ok confident nak biar both lens dalam mata. Tapi tak berani nak pejam mata sangat. Nak alihkan mata dari cermin pun seriau takut pandang cermin balik lens dah cicir hilang kat mana taktau.

Make up 2 jam pun macam haram, make up 20 minit apatah lagi. Paling power sekali, aku orang pertama siap. Jarang betul kejadian aku paling awal siap kalau nak pergi mana mana. Hewheww…Semua dah siap terus gerak pergi UiTM. Sampai sampai dah 12.30 terus kena suruh naik bas g uitm. Kena naik sorang dulu pulak tu mak dengan bangpi naik bas lain. Sampai uitm cari member semua tak jumpa T_T. last last jumpa syafarah dengan taz. Nasib baik adik taz tolong pakai kan jubbah and mortar board. Uishhh kelam kabut.

Alhamdulillah finally dapat jugak scroll walaupun nervous cuak jatuh tangga sebab aku pakai heels. Jarang kot aku pakai heels. Selalu aku pakai wedges. Kinda stabil sikit pakai wedges. Sebab tu orang gemuk pakai wedges tak pakai heels. Ok lah takde lah aku terjatuh. Untuk hadek hadek kalau terbaca blog hakak pasal convo ni, korang watlek watpis jelah nak bantai kasut and baju apa. Kasut wedges sebenarnya boleh je. Kau takyah sesosah cari kasut kulit crocodile harga rm159 lepas tu kau nak nangis duit kau habis. Kau pakai kasut seinci pun takpe dalam buku tulis 2 inci kan. Baju pulak kau bantai lah dress jubbah mini kurung kurung kebaya segala jenis yang berkain sopan is ok. Jangan pulak kau bantai kain skirt pendek dah ler. Berdarah hidung dato canselor tu karang. Tips lagi satu takyah ler kau nak glamor glamor sangat baju kau tak Nampak pun. Yang penting tudung or shawl kau on point.  

Dapat lah rasa famous selama 6 saat atas stage.  Lepas tu terus bosan tunggu ceremony habis siap sibuk sibuk nak selfie kat bawah. Walaupun rasa macam tak sopan, lantak kan ajelah nokkks. Tapi aku tak selfie, battery drained too fast. Critical nak mampus simpan battery nak contact orang. Akhirnya tupai jatuh ke tanah jua battery habis.

Keluar dewan terus Nampak boyfriend. Terus pergi kat dia sebab dia kan dah bising kata aku kat mana kat mana. Aku patut cari mak aku dulu. Tapi alang dah Nampak dia terus ke dia. Lepas tu jumpa mak amik amik gambar balik. Gambar pun 2 3 keping. Mak aku 2 3 hari ni dia menyesal sebab dia blah awal sangat tak dapat amik gambar yang proper sesame. Dia tak tau aku dah  menyesal tambah berkecil hati serta rasa nak trade in soul lagi sekali sebab takde gambar proper dengan dia. Takde gambar peluk peluk cium. Mestilah sedih semua orang nak rushing balik hmmm L.

Ni jelah yang ada.

My precious. Thanks for everything. You both always rock my world.

Make up 20 minit sebab malas nak put effort on make up.

Mementang boyfriend aku yang amik gambar terus aku rasa this picture is focusing on me. cewahhhh

Bagi bear je ke? Nasi takde?

Banyak sangat bunga mesti semua orang jeles dengan aku. Kahhhh

Mak cantik anak pun harus lah cantik. ke aku anak angkat?

Bila orang kata candid tapi sapira terkenangkan kenikmatan makan nasi

Semua kecantikan semula jadi on point kecuali saaaaaapiiiiighaaa

CAANTIK TAKKK??

BETUL LA CANTIK TAKKKKKK?

TANYA SOALAN CANTIK TAK SEPANJANG 1 JAM DATING. Itulah siapa suruh tak bagi nasi kan asyik tanya cantik  ke tak

tamat.

ehhhhh.....

NAK NASIIIIIIIIIII TAKNAK BUNGAAA NAK GEMUKKKK TAKNAK KUWUSSSSS

My preconvocation

I’ve been prepared for the day to come. I watched youtube everyday learned how to makeup. I enjoyed watching makeup tutorial and everything about makeup. From eyebrow tutorials to full glam make up tutorials. Contouring, shading, blending, baking are all the keywords that I usually searched. Not just that, I bought a lot of make ups stuffs so that I will not miss anything in the tutorial. Started with eyebrows pallet, eyebrows pencil, eye liner, foundations, cc cushion (the most stupid make up I have ever tried. I hate it. If I could trade my soul just to go back to the time and cancelled the order, I would. Lol.) , eyeshadow pallet, highlighter, and blablabla. I also bought contact lens. Hhahah. Semangat. Never wear contact lens before. At first thing that crossed my mind was I want to find MUA. After asking the price, I resisted to use them. I insisted to do my makeup on my own. I should use the money that I’ve budget for the MUA to buy make up. I think that would be the best decision. Never I have  been so wrong. Takpelah make up tu boleh guna banyak kali. Kalau guna MUA few hours je kan make up tu. MAHAL PULAKKKKK TUH. Gitulah aiools punya logic.

Tapi….. haraaaaapan setinggi gunung, bertebar menjadi debu. Hahahaha. It’s all is my foundation fault. That’s the first time I used CC cushion using as my makeup base. I thought it will help covered my acne breakout, unfortunately it was not. And the shade was not suitable for my skin complexion. What a waste. I take 2 hours to make up my face, but the result is so frustrating. Makin tak lawo. Dah tak lawo jadi bertambah tak lawo.. Kaysss. :’) My eyebrows also suck. Later maybe I’ll do some review of my make up things. If I asked my boyfriend whether this the real make up or not, he’ll definitely have no idea how many efforts to make up. He always thinks I didn’t do real makeup. BUT HE UNDERESTIMATE MY MAKE HE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HOW MANY LAYERS OF MAKE UP I WORE EVERYTIME I MET HIM. Macam mana lah nak jadi effortlessly beautiful. After all those hard works and efforts trying to put my makeup pun people thought I didn’t wear makeup :”(

Ok back to the story. The most annoying thinks isn’t my makeup, but my shawl. Tu lah siapa suruh pakai shawl yang bukan shawl. Kan tak lawo, Dah tau nak amik gambar pakai lah shawl yang selalu memang kau rasa kau akan nampak cantik walau dalam segala apa kondisi pun. Walaupun ribut berlaku, walaupun kau kat san andreas tengah gempa bumi, walaupun kau tersadai kat laut macam movie unbroken tetap shawl tu akan buat kau cantik,  Nasi dah jadi bubur. Enjoy the pictures jelah.

My pre convocation photo shoot that took place at Taman Saujana Hijau Putrajaya. 

17th April 2016. 

My 23rd birthday.

I didnt know the photographer's names. Kudin and fitri kot.

AS201's beautiful girls except me. ERKKK

Cheer up!!

Thanks Teha tutup muka aku. Aku suka. HAHAHAHA

When the photographers asked us to the robotic style. Yeah that's the most robotic style I knew.

Jenuh mak enon make up 2 jam sampai boypren pun sakit hati tunggu lelama tapi dalam gambar takde ghoper makeup pun XP

Sini kejap macam nampak something la.

Eh uban kau melekat kat jubah. Sat aku buang kan

Kau tengok ni paten tadi aku cabut uban dia. Uban ke bulu kucing?

Betul ke nak baling ni weh? Sayang lah mortar board aku ni

Ok lah korang yang suruh baling.

Ye yeeeeahhhh kene tangkap cepat cepat Allah mortar board aku.

Bila orang tanya berapa final pointer kau.

Bila orang tanya kau grad first class ke second class. K k gerak lu papewww rogerrrr

Finally decent photo of mine.

My Graduation Story

“What did you have achieved for the three years you spent your times as student of university?’ I asked myself. I need the answer from myself to myself. I remembered the time when I knew that my application to continue my study as bachelor was rejected. It is not once, but twice. Twice times I have seen my application start with Sorry and not congratulations. But finally I am proud to say that UiTM had accepting my wish to be one of their students. As for the three years I became the student of AS201, I am proud to say that I have survived all the challenges. I have combating all my personal challenges. I felt like a proud soldier that won the battle of assignments and projects.

For these three years, I couldn’t believe how I survived every single day. Every morning I woke up with fear feeling. I am scared that my lecturers will ask me to present the topics. I hate presentations. Presentation is like my nightmare. I am scared that I have to take quizzes and exams. Everything is suck for me in my first year. I am student with no confident. I am student who are not friendly. I have nothing special in me. I am student that all the lecturers forgot what my names. Sometime I thought of changing my name that people will be easier to call me likes Tasha shila ke, Siti nurhaliza ke kan.. My names are not common so yeah maybe that was one of the factors why they don’t remember me. I also thought that maybe I am not beautiful so they are not pay attention much to me. Maybe. Maybe I am the only one that makes beauty as one of the way how people easily recognized you.

Bullshitting my lack of confidence and my insecurities, I could say that I am pretty good in my classes. During my second years, I always worried for my final year project. That’s scared the most when you’re university student. Or maybe I am the only one who wished that there are no FYP. I always wonder what to be researched? Who will be my supervisor? How to talk to my supervisor? What if she or he is garang nak mampus nanti mampus pulak aku. What if my supervisor is so strict that she could make me fail? Yeah, that’s questions play in my mind every time. That’s happen when you are overthinking. The questions will never fail to pop out in your mind.

My FYP was the most critical phase of my life as a student. I cried a lot that my eyes running out of tears when my callus didn’t show up. I thought that I can’t survive. I can’t do it no more. Maybe my journey will and should stop here. Maybe I should die. Yup, Me being pathetic. What I didn’t realize was I got super awesome supervisor. Hey my supervisor was one of the important person in my university. What the f that I finally can end up with her. My destiny chose her. It is miracle how pathetic and unconfident student like me pairing with great lecturer like her. She guides me when I need her. What I proud the most was not all student have a gut to see and talk to her but I can meet her anytime I want (Even though most of the time I couldn’t find her in her office.) Thanks to her I could complete my FYP.

My support systems are not only my supervisor. Not forgotten is my mother. Throughout the journey, our bond becomes stronger. I feel the need of her when I can’t carry out some tasks. Even though she have no ideas of what the hell that I studied, but just so she knows her presence made me calm. Usually she annoyed me with all the calls and all her ‘tak boleh’, but I miss her. And then I am annoyed with her again. That’s what made my life so colourful I guess.  Today since I meet her everyday, I hate her because she always nagging to me because I don’t want to eat. And because of her nag, I think I successfully gains 10kg. Thanks to my mother. Lol. And she continues said that I am skeleton. Yeah with this 10KG GAINS AND NOT 10 POUNDS you think you still can call me skeleton????????? Marah ni marah.. Thanks for the free food anyway. I will find decent (LOL) and high paid job. And I will buy you the bags you want. Yup, bags with s. Because I achieved the degree to repay you even I knew that I can’t ever repay all the goodness and the comfort you give to me. Even if I live for 200 years more, your willingness to give me a good life, your effort to raise me as a single mother and your love that never stop showering me can’t never be repay. Finally all your children are degree holders.

“No language can express the power and the beauty and heroism and majesty of a mother’s love.”- Edwin Hubbell Chapin.

Lesson learned. Love your mother no matter what you go through and no matter how much you argue and annoyed because in the end, she’ll always be there for you. I hope I have the chances to be just like her. To guide and to love my babies unconditionally till my last breath. Eh :P

Last but not least, here come my superman, my batman, my ultraman, my captain yoo  si jin, my sweetie cutie pie my intan payung pengarang jantung my heart my macam macam lagi penat nak my my sangat. Thank you. To be with you, I feel blessed. I love you my bontot sexy macam david beckham. K k gerak lu papeww roger. Kahhh.

Oh emgeeee. I almost forgot to thanks my friends. Just like the last day we’re not officially ex housemates, I said to you guys thanks for making me laugh a little louder, smile a little brighter and live a little better. Thanks for running, walking, jogging, crawling, jumping, rolling in the deep and fuck the obstacles together. Yeah if you know what I mean lol. Thanks for accompanying me eating, shopping, cheating, copy pasting,  and dating. Kehkehhhh . Macam macam je lagi ala tapi bukannya korang bakal terbaca blog aku pon so, malas lah cerita pepanjang.

Ok tamat. J

Inhales Positivity Exhales Negativity

I always wonder where all my confidence hides. Because after 23 years I spent my life on this earth I couldn’t find any of it. From kids till I became teenager now, the confidence was never growing up with me. I wish I can stand in front of others telling ‘F UR BEAUTY STANDARDS”. Unfortunately, standing in front of others is the hardest things to do. My brain started to think uncontrollably. Maybe ‘fear’ taking over the cockpit. Yeah, fear and sadness are always taking over the jobs. How can I standing there when all the ‘hey, sorry fat kids I am disgusted by looking at you’, ‘look at her legs OMG it’s that legs or kayu balak?’, ‘ look at her face full of pimples, look at her nose kembang semangkuk’. And the ‘compliment’ never stops. And how to tell people when I can’t even open my mouth because my teeth are likes the most messy teeth on earth that all the OCD people wish they can plug it off and susun my teeth properly in their places. My teeth and my nose are the most sensitive issues that always restricted me from being confidence. Not just that, I also have a ‘perfect’ body that allow you to call me gemuk. And society hates fat people. Dari aku kecil sampai aku besar, tetap ada suara suara sumbang kata aku gemuk. Macam lah kau perfect sangat ( sambil guling bawah toto sebab dia memang perfect pun T_T)  Haha now tell me how I can be confidence with this.

That night was like the turning point for me. When someone makes me realized that I have so much things to be grateful. When he said that I should be positive with everything because Allah has promise us that everything happens for a reasons. Reasons that sometime you didn’t see it is coming as you busy complaining and because you don’t realized that you are slowly turn into ungrateful person. You spent so much time thinking the things you don’t have. Since then, I have to admit that I am ungrateful. I try my best to be positive. To looking surrounds me with positive perspective. My body size is not a problem. There’s a lot of people who trying so hard to get into my size. There’s a lot of people want the curves that I have. There’s a lot of people want to be healthy just like me. How I cannot see that? How could I complaining to Allah all these times. How dare I am talking shit about my own life, my own body? L I am not enjoying my life because without I knew it, I am the one who not learn to appreciate what I have. It is not my life that terrible but demon inside me that messing up things.

“LEARN TO APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE BEFORE TIME MAKES YOU APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAD”

I am so lucky because I am not too late to realize this. Actually there are no people in this world that are late. No. As we are always have the space to make things right and learn from mistakes. Appreciate things you have now even you may have regrets with your past. Looks forward and move on. Times never wait for us. What happened had happened. You can’t change the past but you can ensure that you will not become the people in the past.  I am pledged to myself, you and Allah that from now on I will always be grateful with what I have, to be positive even when people talk negative to me, to always enjoying my life while I can, to be happy all day long, and to like and love myself endlessly. J Because in the end, that’s what matter and not what others thinks about me.

I’ve done this for two days I guessed. Never thought I could be this cool. Adalah culas sikit and he had to remind me to be positive. Tapi ok lah for beginner like me yang hari hari insekiyo je keje. Hahah. As for today, I went out to buy things without putting any make up. Yeah first of course due to my skin that is so sensitive tahap gaban so puasa mekap. Allowing myself to only wear day cream and lip tint. But the second reason is because I fucking don’t care if people see my flaws. I fucking don’t care if they see my scars my pimples my uneven skin tones, and whatever. Nobody is perfect. Everyone have their flaws. It is up to them to show it or not. I am confident with my skin. This is me. I will show you my flaws if I want, I also can hide it if I wish to. I am the one who hold the final decisions. That’s HUGEEEEEEE Hokehhhh. Hhahahaha. Dah lama gila tak keluar tanpa mekap. I won’t go out if I don’t wear makeup. So this is big step for me hahahaha. I am really trying to find the courage. To said ‘F UR BEAUTY STANDARDS’. =’) Because I am pretty as who I am. That’s what you told me every day every night and every time I am down with my own insecurities. I have too many flaws to be perfect, but I have too many blessings to be ungrateful. Thanks for reminding and teaching me. J