I
always wonder where all my confidence hides. Because after 23 years I spent my
life on this earth I couldn’t find any of it. From kids till I became teenager
now, the confidence was never growing up with me. I wish I can stand in front
of others telling ‘F UR BEAUTY STANDARDS”. Unfortunately, standing in front of
others is the hardest things to do. My brain started to think uncontrollably.
Maybe ‘fear’ taking over the cockpit. Yeah, fear and sadness are always taking
over the jobs. How can I standing there when all the ‘hey, sorry fat kids I am
disgusted by looking at you’, ‘look at her legs OMG it’s that legs or kayu
balak?’, ‘ look at her face full of pimples, look at her nose kembang
semangkuk’. And the ‘compliment’ never stops. And how to tell people when I
can’t even open my mouth because my teeth are likes the most messy teeth on
earth that all the OCD people wish they can plug it off and susun my teeth
properly in their places. My teeth and my nose are the most sensitive issues
that always restricted me from being confidence. Not just that, I also have a
‘perfect’ body that allow you to call me gemuk. And society hates fat people.
Dari aku kecil sampai aku besar, tetap ada suara suara sumbang kata aku gemuk.
Macam lah kau perfect sangat ( sambil guling bawah toto sebab dia memang
perfect pun T_T) Haha now tell me how I
can be confidence with this.
That
night was like the turning point for me. When someone makes me realized that I
have so much things to be grateful. When he said that I should be positive with
everything because Allah has promise us that everything happens for a reasons.
Reasons that sometime you didn’t see it is coming as you busy complaining and
because you don’t realized that you are slowly turn into ungrateful person. You
spent so much time thinking the things you don’t have. Since then, I have to
admit that I am ungrateful. I try my best to be positive. To looking surrounds
me with positive perspective. My body size is not a problem. There’s a lot of
people who trying so hard to get into my size. There’s a lot of people want the
curves that I have. There’s a lot of people want to be healthy just like me.
How I cannot see that? How could I complaining to Allah all these times. How
dare I am talking shit about my own life, my own body? L I am not enjoying my life because without I knew
it, I am the one who not learn to appreciate what I have. It is not my life
that terrible but demon inside me that messing up things.
“LEARN
TO APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE BEFORE TIME MAKES YOU APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAD”
I
am so lucky because I am not too late to realize this. Actually there are no
people in this world that are late. No. As we are always have the space to make
things right and learn from mistakes. Appreciate things you have now even you
may have regrets with your past. Looks forward and move on. Times never wait
for us. What happened had happened. You can’t change the past but you can
ensure that you will not become the people in the past. I am pledged to myself, you and Allah that
from now on I will always be grateful with what I have, to be positive even
when people talk negative to me, to always enjoying my life while I can, to be
happy all day long, and to like and love myself endlessly. J Because in the end, that’s what matter and not what
others thinks about me.
I’ve
done this for two days I guessed. Never thought I could be this cool. Adalah
culas sikit and he had to remind me to be positive. Tapi ok lah for beginner
like me yang hari hari insekiyo je keje. Hahah. As for today, I went out to buy
things without putting any make up. Yeah first of course due to my skin that is
so sensitive tahap gaban so puasa mekap. Allowing myself to only wear day cream
and lip tint. But the second reason is because I fucking don’t care if people
see my flaws. I fucking don’t care if they see my scars my pimples my uneven
skin tones, and whatever. Nobody is perfect. Everyone have their flaws. It is
up to them to show it or not. I am confident with my skin. This is me. I will
show you my flaws if I want, I also can hide it if I wish to. I am the one who
hold the final decisions. That’s HUGEEEEEEE Hokehhhh. Hhahahaha. Dah lama gila
tak keluar tanpa mekap. I won’t go out if I don’t wear makeup. So this is big
step for me hahahaha. I am really trying to find the courage. To said ‘F UR
BEAUTY STANDARDS’. =’) Because I am pretty as who I am. That’s what you told me
every day every night and every time I am down with my own insecurities. I have
too many flaws to be perfect, but I have too many blessings to be ungrateful.
Thanks for reminding and teaching me. J
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